When a dead baby spoke

 WORK HARD - PRAY HARD 

        "The best way to get what you need."

It was absolutely a pleasant experience where I walked from complete uncertainty to a safe and secure state, which was never pre-planned. (Before I begin, to clarify the misunderstanding, I am not a good religious person, but I do try to keep things onboard)

 

I came to England at the beginning of 2020, following the usual huddles and struggles, secured a Job here under the National Health Service. Like most immigrant doctors, after working for a year in a busy hospital, I also started shifting the gear – to do higher training or specialize in a particular area of medicine. We have gates open for all the specialty training right from General practice to Radiology.

Interestingly, when I dealt with some patients in accident and emergency department I started feeling a particular interest towards those who attended with mental health illness, people who presented by hearing unique voices from the air or seen amazing images which only they could see, including people came with attended suicide by taking an overdose of tablets, tried to cut themselves with knives, etc. Hence, I decided to be a Psychiatrist for the rest of my career and applied for the exam. 

 

I managed to take some time off from work, spent more time with academic books and valuable websites, finally gave the exam. Surprisingly, I got through the exam well, and I was offered a training post in psychiatry where I wished to study.

 

I moved to the new place, started spending entire days in the new area of medicine – mental health. Soon I started, I began to feel the real taste of mental health. I have seen patients with adjustment issues, severe depression, alcohol dependence, people with schizophrenia, drug-induced psychosis, personality disorders, etc. I had a good chunk of exposure to patients who would keep you on your edge of emotions like fear, anger, threatening, sadness, etc. Also, I could hear many stories filled with suicides, crimes, assaults, abuse, rape, neglect, etc., under good supervision.

 

After a while, I realized that this is not something that I would enjoy doing for the rest of my life along with other personal factors. Now everything started going wrong; I had very minimal options:

 1. Leave the Job – fly back home – wait for another Job with a new visa (which takes months).

 2. Wait and continue the same job for a year, then attend the next Specialty exam to change specialty.

 3. Carry on being a Consultant Psychiatrist even without a 100% interest in it.

As I faced uncertainty with each day ahead, I started feeling terrible; Simultaneously, my brain started those shadow murmurs and self-blames for losing a good opportunity by choosing a specialty that I now feel incapable of carrying on. 

However, I accidentally shared my situation with a sensible friend, which became a light source in my complete darkness. He advised me to re-apply for the second round of specialty training recruitment where I don’t have to appear for the exam but to carry the score from the previous exam. (it happens twice a year in where 2nd round with minimal seats -10% of round1).

 

Completed the Application, submitted all the requirements needed on time through very dramatic incidents before the deadline -17th August. I carried on through the mental health job seeing all similar clinical events keeping a hidden hope inside for changing specialty when the board publishes the results. 

As you can see, I was waiting for the results on Thursday 23rd September  – the same score from the previous exam was published, but unfortunately, there was no post available for me….!!

 

Once Again, I was surrounded by uncertainty, the hopelessness of not moving forward and getting stuck with something I did not enjoy religiously. Again, I bounced back to those few sensible friends who are positive thought bombers. As they said, I was waiting for a job offer in the coming week – Monday 27th September.

After the stressful and thoughtful weekend, I started Monday as usual, spent time in the ward, arranged and sorted a few plans by the consultant, and prepared for the afternoon session. I walked into the Doctors duty room, had lunch quickly. Honestly, felt helpless and low. I stood on the prayer mat and prayed a bit, asking for what I wanted....!

Immediately, in a few minutes, My phone chimed once – an SMS “you have received a new offer”- that was so shocking and impulsive.

 

I knew I made a wrong choice at first by choosing an area of medicine that I thought was perfect for me, but later I realized the need to move out. At the same time, I knew that I had done the work I should be doing – I have tried my level best to get an average score in the exam, and the best next thing I could do was attempt again with the score I had in my hand … and I Prayed .. now I got what I wanted….!! Soon to be started with the new job by February 2022.

 

(Moral: In life, we might bump into places, persons, or relationships which we expect to be the best for us, but later, when we get in and feel it, it may taste precisely opposite to what we felt initially. “Challenging situation “– but we must deal with it than die in it.

If you have done your best to sort out the situation – then, pray hard and deep – there is no way that you are left alone)